It's 3 a.m., and there is no chance of me shaking the thought of you.  I haven't thought about you so intimately in so long, that every second that passes, it's like a fresh cut to my skin.  I'm not sure how I got to the point of being this so misdirected.  The past 8 years have seemed to just flip through a series of unfortunate events, with a bit of calm in-between, but I'm still ending up in the same spot that I started.  Lately, I've been falling asleep with pain in my heart, waking up to tears on my pillow.  An unlocked box of pain that I tried to hide deep in the broken crevices of my heart, but all of it just came spilling out.  Screaming to be heard, pain yearning to be felt.

You're the hardest pain to feel.  You're the realest pain I feel.  Everything that I have now is compared to the love that I've gained from having you and losing you.  I don't think they get how crippling it is to let a thought of you sneak into my head.  The kind of pain that you don't move to.  The kind of hurt that confines you to your tear-soaked sheets, wishing you could just drown in them instead.

I've gained the ability to paint a smile on my face every day, and feel moments of genuine happiness... I'm not saying that I've gone the past 8 years without feeling positive emotions... but a single second in a thought of you destroys so much of my progress.  There haven't been too many nights where I've let the feeling of missing you engulf my being, but... nights like this are the hardest to get through.

Seeing your face, and looking through these photos, and longing to talk to you...  I shouldn't have gone searching for you.  I knew what I was going to find, and I knew how this was going to turn out.  I don't know why I thought it would be any different this time.

I miss you, jg.  My thoughts and my love stay with you tonight.  Please return the favor, xx.