Fitness

Vulnerability in my image: My journey to finding "balance"

10:14 PM

  October 14, 2013: #transforming #slowlybutsurely #chubbs"


  When I look at this photo, I'm at a loss for words... I was thin, I was unhealthy, my lifestyle was excessive, I was unhappy... It's hard for me to put into words how I feel when I am reminded of how I used to live my life... Back in high school, back in the earlier years of college... I was so obsessed with the thought of being small that the more I tried to deal with it, the unhappier I became... And honestly, I would have put an emoji to cover my face, but I thought it was important to show how unhappy and how tired I was. Even though I was at such a light weight, it's like it sucked the life out of me to get there.

"One-hundred and fifteen pounds... that's still too heavy."
"One-hundred and five pounds... that's still too heavy."
"One-hundred pounds... what else can I do?"

  There was a point in high school where I wouldn't eat lunch with anyone during the day. I'd hide myself away in the library saying I was studying, but really, I was avoiding the awkward questions of, "what are you going to eat today?" or "aren't you going to eat something?" I'd let myself eat very small portions of foods that would sustain me through the school day. When I'd get home, I'd eat small portions at dinner... And then I came to the point where it was face down in the bathroom, with blood dots on my face because I thought I had eaten too much...
  Before I had left for Washington, I was buying clothes in size small, Japanese sizes, and even some of those didn't fit to my waist or hip line. I had gone from being one-hundred and seventeen pounds to a "lucky if I'm at 100," and even then, I would suck my stomach as far in as I could... It didn't help that the culture that we're in highlights that being thin is being beautiful. It doesn't help when your friends or your family make comments about your body in regards to your weight. It definitely was not helpful growing up seeing the many different diets that people around me would do in order to shed quick pounds.

"Why can't I be thin like everyone says I should be?"

  I do know what had triggered me to feel the way I did, but it's not worth mentioning, because it happened again in college. I was stressed with academics. I was stressed with my Army scholarship. Hurtful events of losing my brother and one of my best friends. I was stressed over the heartbreaks I had gone through, and stressed with the heartache I was going through with someone else. I let myself fall subject to verbal and emotional abuse. Almost every day, I was told that I "wasn't small enough" or "not lady enough," or that I "didn't need to eat all of that because I'd regret it."
  I let myself play the role of the victim, but I didn't want to call for help. I went through it every day, eating small portions, and tasteless food, and working out to the point where my body would literally shut down on me and I'd find myself at the emergency room for various factors that all lead to poor nutrition and muscle fatigue. My health was always getting shot down, with every illness that came, the more and more time I spent laying in my apartment, useless to everything else going on in my life. And there were many times that I thought to myself, that there was always an easier way out of this...

but I wasn't going to be a lil' bitch.

  I took control of my life: my emotions, my health, my weak mentality. I'm not sure what happened or when it happened, but gradually I found myself putting my foot down to the negativity in my life. I stopped letting myself being stepped on and dragged around like I was nothing. (Literally, dragged out of a home because of something so ridiculous...) I stopped pointing fingers at things or people I could blame, and changed things that I didn't like.
  You can't kick me out if I'm happily walking my ass out. You can't put me down if I'm surrounded by people who constantly pull me back up. You can tell me a lot of things, but you can't tell me what I can't do ~ because I'll just be here working hard, not to prove you wrong, but to prove I'm right about myself and that I'm stronger than what you make me out to be. There were things in my life that tried to viciously tear me apart, but I pulled together and said no... And now I'm here.
"I can do this."
"You can do this."

  Fast forward to now, I work out every day before work to be healthy, not to lose weight. I normally eat what I want to eat, and enjoy every bite of it. I've been at my happy weight of 120-125 pounds depending on how much fries I've eaten. There are still some health issues that I have, but I'm fighting harder than ever. I've already ran two half marathons and unexpectedly PR'd on my second run. I finished my first full marathon 35 minutes before my goal time. For once, I'm proud of who I see in the mirror... and even though it's always going to be something that I need to work at, I'm happy with the person that I've become... because when I look back at who I was before... I've come a very long way.

Baby Disclaimer: & even though I'm sitting here trying to write about how pumped I am to be on this little fitness journey, I'd greatly appreciate it if you have anything negative to say, then go say it to a wall. Cause this blog has been sitting in my draft folder for almost 6 months now, and I just gained the confidence to post it. So if you're going to be a lil' bitch, go do that somewhere else. kthxbai.

Fitness

Athens, Greece: My serious case of runner's high

3:00 AM

Thoughts before my race, as written on my iPhone: "I never thought I'd see the day where I would voluntarily run 26.2 miles. I've always been somewhat athletic. I did track in middle school and high school. I did cheerleading (yes, it's a sport). I did volleyball. I even did rugby for awhile. The difference between those sports and this one, is that even though I'm technically part of a team, my success is solely based on what I dish out. Not only in my physical strength and endurance, but my mentality through it all. I'm sitting on this airplane restlessly fidgeting in my seat on my way to Athens, Greece. Home of the Original Marathon. THE Marathon. Go big or go home, right?

Just a few steps passed the finish line!
  I picked up running eight months ago in April. It was a forced pick up by my friend Flora. It was a slow night shift, and we didn't have too much to do, so we were all talking about our plans. I hadn't known Flora for very long at that time, and it was one of our first few shifts working together. She's a bubbly character, someone who smiles through pretty much any scenario, good or bad. She asked me if I liked to run, and I told her that I only start running when it's time to get amped up for our bi-annual PT test. She suggested that I do the Athens Marathon. As much as I laughed about it and told her that she was crazy for thinking I could do it, I ended up signing up that night. This was the start of my journey.

  I'm not going to bore everyone with the 8 month recap of my training, but it wasn't much. The furthest I had ran prior to the marathon were two half marathons. One of them being the Disney Paris Half Marathon, and the first ever, H-Town Half Marathon featuring Stacy and I. There would be a few weeks where I hadn't ran at all. There would be long stretches of nights where I was too tired from work to go to the gym, so I'd lunge from patient room to patient room during work. My training wasn't as rigorous as I wanted it to be. I had lacked self motivation many days. But every night I went to sleep, I always told myself, "eh, we'll start again tomorrow."
Officially checked in at the Expo with bib in hand!
  Before I go into the details of what ran through my head as I ran through Greece, I'd like to give a special shout out to a few people who helped me throughout this journey.

  • Flora, I want to thank you for even putting me on this path of running. Running a marathon has always been on my bucket list, but I didn't have the courage to register until the night you kept bugging me to "just sign up already!" Congratulations on finishing with Kevin, and being able to share the experience of it with all of us.
  • Stacy, for always challenging me via Nike Running Club and always being down for a long and painful run. I'm glad that I was able to force you into it the way that Flora forced me into it. Seeing our progression from our first 6 miler to our half marathon before the race was amazing. Congratulations on finishing the race! You performed awesome, and I'm sure for our next race, you'll be able to keep up with me (LOL).
  • Nate and Amanda, I'm glad you two decided to come on this run with us! We almost lost you in the beginning when scheduling didn't work out, but it all figured itself out. You two did amazing for barely training! I don't know if I could have done what you two did! Hopefully this isn't the last one we run together!
  • Congratulations to Mike, Blake, and Shai for also finishing in the race! It was great to see you all there. I'm so happy that so many nurses were able to represent out there! You guys did great, and I hope you're getting the rest you all deserve.
  • Sean Michael, for always being my number one fan. You have supported me through every moment building up to my race, and even from thousands of miles away, you were watching me run around Greece. I'd like to think that a lot of my self-motivation and perseverance stems from what you've ingrained in my head. I am strong, and I can do it. Maybe one day you'll run with me, so we can go through the pain together. I love you! Also, thank you for sponsoring my completely amazing race day outfit, I looked like a winner from the get go (let my ego have it.)
  One week before race day, Stacy and I ran a half marathon. YES, I KNOW WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THESE THINGS. Especially since we're so naive with our running capabilities. But we did it, and we rocked it. It was the kind of confidence boost that we needed. I PR'd on my half marathon time, shaving off 18 minutes from my first half marathon. We had never built up to running anything more than that though. People typically run up to 20-24 miles before they even reach race day, making the last two miles the miles you really dig deep for, but we definitely had to dig deep all 26 miles.

  All week, I had aches in all of my joints. I felt like my muscles were tightening up. I was afraid of pulling my back or doing anything strenuous that would cause me to injure myself so close to race day. I worked four night shifts in a row prior to flying out for Athens. I was completely drained of energy. The shifts weren't easy ones either. They were the kinds of shifts that seemed to pass all too quickly because you never had the chance to sit down. Everything you read in posts like "What to do for Race Day" or "How to Run a Marathon 101" are all the things I didn't do. I didn't rest. I didn't eat right. Stretching only came when I was getting up to go to work. My anxiety levels had skyrocketed for sure.
Our mini #breaking5 team
  The night before the race, I was tossing and turning in bed. I woke up almost every hour because I was afraid I wasn't going to hear my alarm. But when everyone woke up, and it was time to get ready, my nerves settled. I watched everyone prep themselves for the long day ahead of us. Applying body glide, enough to the point where we could probably slide down the mountains on our tummies. Powdering our feet, taping ourselves up, and eating the one meal that was going to keep us going. It was a different feeling that had set in: determination. I was determined to finish my race in less than six hours. I was determined to prove to myself that I had a strong mentality to keep going even if my body refused to move forward. I was determined to come back with a medal in my hand. I was determined to not come back with rhabdo (that was the real goal, because the last thing I want was to be admitted at my own job.)


  Block 10. The very back of block 10. Because Stacy was unluckily placed in Block 11 for being 35 minutes slower than me (haha, just kidding... notttt!) I was standing with Flora, Kevin, Nate and Amanda in Block 10. Shuffling through the arena waiting for our gun to go off. The nervousness had come back because Stacy wasn't there. I had lost the comfort of having my training partner to run with, and finding each other with 1000 people between us was a feat all on it's own, but it did happen 6 miles later.

  I started the race at a relatively slow pace, 06:52 min/km. I was feeling great. I had gotten my breathing under control quickly, and I had zoned out in the first 2 kilometers. I kept tabs on who was around me, seeing if we would finish together in the end. By the time we reached the first water point, my little group was left with Amanda, Nate, and myself, but it wasn't that way for long. At one point, I found that I was running by myself, until mile 6 where Stacy had popped up out of nowhere. We ran together for a few miles, seeing Flora and Kevin along the way. And then the real race began, when I found myself running alone again, and that's how I finished the race.  

  After I hit my 21st kilometer (roughly a half marathon), I had resorted to walking. 2:30:38 was my half marathon time. I was right where I wanted to be to reach my 5-hour goal, but I was definitely hurting. Athens was a hilly course. The inclines weren't steep, but they were excruciatingly long. As soon as you reached the top of the incline, it'd dip for a few meters and start back up. The Greeks wanted you to earn the medal, for sure. I had reached a 9:01 min/km pace by then, and that would be the slowest I'd run the entire time. Every 5km I would pick up my pace a little bit more. By then, I'd stop more frequently to stretch my glutes and my hamstrings. I'd made stops at 4 medic stations for their cooling cream which served more as a placebo effect than anything... I walked through every water point, and only skipped the last two. I drank every Powerade handed to me, drank two cups of Coca Cola, and ate my banana. Every time I stopped, I thought of quitting. Every time I started up again, I found myself pushing harder than before.
#TakeChargeAthens
  The crowds began to build up again the further you went into the city. Olive branches were everywhere. They were handing these out in the smaller towns. I had run with an olive branch wrapped around my pony tail the entire race. Some runners ran with olive branch crowns, and I was completely envious because they looked great. But even as the crowds grew, my motivation was slowly deteriorating.

  At kilometer 31, I started to cry. I cried because of the pain in my legs. I cried because I didn't want to run anymore. I cried because I lost all motivation. I cried because I almost gave up on myself. I didn't cry for long, partially because I was extremely dehydrated at this point, salt crystals formed on my forehead. I reached kilometer 32, and my mentality changed again. "It's only a 10km now."

Oh, it's real alright!
  From that point, every two miles I ran, I posted an update on my Snapchat. I laughed to myself because when I reached the last two miles, I thought of the time I told Michael, "it's just like a PT test now!" after we had just run 11 miles. I said it again. "It's just like a PT test now." My pace for my last 5km was 06:30 min/km. The fastest pace I had throughout the entire race. When I made it to the arena, I dug deep and I cried as I sprinted the last 100 meters. "I fucking made it" I thought. I abruptly stopped after crossing the finish line, and with a sigh of relief, I had officially completed my first marathon. Athens, the Authentic Marathon 2017. Official Finishing Time: 05:25:45.
Winner, winner, gyros dinner

Disney

Minimoon: Our First Half Marathon in Disneyland Paris

9:58 PM

  Well, I can't say that I've been very good at blogging lately. I haven't been doing much traveling or anything exciting lately, so it's been hard for me to pull motivation to the keyboard. Until a couple of weeks ago, when my husband came out to visit me, and we participated in our very first half marathon together!

Us ladies with our Michaels' before race day
  Not a lot of people know, but I've been training up for my big race day in November, and this half marathon was my check point to see if I had the mentality to get through it. I've been so busy with work and going straight to the gym afterwards to get some good miles and cross-training in. I don't think I have ever been so aware of my body's capabilities until now. When I first signed up for these races, the thought of having to run more than 5 miles was extremely daunting. I could only imagine how my husband felt when he got suckered into signing up for it a month and a half before the race! Now, I run three to five miles as a warm up to my workouts, and my longer runs are going above 8-10 miles.
Me & my guy during our run!
  Running at Disneyland with my husband was probably the best "more than halfway" point ever. I honestly think his presence in the race is what kept me moving. We hadn't trained at all together, and we would keep each other in check by sending screenshots of our runs to each other via GPS apps like Nike Run Club. I had it in my head that I had to prove to him that I was working just as hard as I said I was. I didn't want to look like a weenie in front of him. That, my friends, is true motivation. Not looking like a weenie.

  Side comment, we were lucky enough to spend our six month "anniversary" as a married couple together in Chessy. You know we're all about the Disney Life! I'll write an entirely different blog about our experience in Disney Paris later.
So proud of my husband for working so hard
  Run Disney made the marathon quite simple to move through, from the Expo the day before when we picked up our bibs, shirts, and gear bags, to the actual race. There were tons of people running for different medals. We really regret not doing the Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo Challenge, but we are definitely looking into going back to Los Angeles or Orlando to complete our Castle to Chateau and Coast to Coast challenges. I want all the medals from Disney, seriously. They're so cute.

  My husband dressed up like SpiderMan, and I'm pretty sure he was the only SpiderMan I saw. Everyone loved his costume, they all would yell out to him as he passed. Unfortunately my husband's choice of shoe was not appropriate for the run, and his costume ended up tearing a giant blister into his foot. My poor bubs.

Our finisher medals - great job babe
  I, on the other hand, played the role of Rey from Star Wars, and you're damn right I ran with my blue lightsaber the entire race! I was very nervous at first, because the first thing to get sore when I run is my shoulder, but I actually hadn't gotten sore throughout the race (that's a first...) We saw Storm Troopers on the route, and you know that I gave them the business! I loved the cheering from the crowd as they yelled "May the Force Be With You" or "The Force is strong in this one!"
Twinning with Mariel before race day
  We met up with Mariel and her Michael at the Expo, and we got ready for the run. We stood in the corral for about thirty minutes before we actually started. In the beginning, we ran at a pretty slow pace, and we had frequent stops with characters, pictures to be updated when they're released. The race started out near the Expo where we dropped our gear off. It went through both Disneyland and Disney Studios. As you ran through, there were various characters to include SpiderMan (I was so excited for my husband), The Emperor's New Groove, Rapunzel, Alice in Wonderland, Storm Troopers, and more!

It wasn't until we had left the park when the running got serious. I stopped talking a lot, I zoned in on my breathing and my cadence, and just forgot about everything. Seeing my husband in the corner of my eye was the one thing that kept pushing me forward. We went from slowing down to take in a drink and snack, to just grabbing and going. By the last four miles when we re-entered the park, I was in my zone. I even yelled out to my husband who was trying to hold a conversation with me to tell me to slow down, I told him that "I just want to focus on running!" So I did. I picked up my pace, from an 11 minute pace, to an 8 minute pace (per my husband's report) and I was gliding.

The crowd got heavier, runners that had already finished were cheering you on with their medals and bananas in the air, and we found ourselves on the home stretch in Disney Studios.

Ninja and I sporting our post-race swag
  I want to say, that I waited for husband to catch up to me at the Finish Line so I could hold his hand while we crossed - BY THE WAY. Don't let him tell you differently, haha! I yelled at him to hurry up and sprint, I grabbed his hand, and we threw our hands up because we finished our half marathon in 2 hours, 29 minutes, and 11 seconds (10 for husband, freaking ridiculous...) I was a good wife, and I waited to finish *bah dum tss*

The best part? Getting interviewed by the Disney Paris News Crew because my dope costume and  telling them that the real best part of the marathon was having my husband come out and run it with me.

Pictures to be updated whenever Disney decides to give a real deadline, :)

Fitness

Tough Mudder, Arnsberg DE: Teamwork makes the dream work!

6:07 PM



  This year is all about pushing myself way passed the limits of my comfort zone, and one of the ways I decided to get off my couch was to sign up to do Tough Mudder in Arnsberg, Germany! Thankfully I didn't have to commit to this challenge alone. Tough Mudder isn't something that is accomplished by yourself, but is accomplished as a group. I had 12 of some of the toughest people from work beside me every step of the way.

  Motivation is something we are never short of in the Army. Teamwork is something we're big on not only in the Army, but in the hospital as well. From my personal point of view, the course didn't seem that hard. I had imagined it to be a lot harder than it was, but I think that's because I had my teammates cheering each other on and motivating each other to keep moving. It was even better when we teamed up with other groups on the course to help each other out.

  Many of the first obstacles were solo ones, where you had to crawl under something without getting stabbed, and through dark places, and jump into freezing cold water. Those were not my favorite, haha. Other obstacles tested your abilities as a group to brainstorm how to get everyone over. Being launched over walls, and hung over ledges to help teammates up were physically demanding on everyone. I was the smallest one of the group, so I was tossed over many walls. I think my favorite obstacle was when we had to do the "Human Pyramid" challenge. The set up was a moat before the slope. The slope was very slippery. You had to get everyone to the top by basically building a human pyramid where people would climb over you. I was the second one up from our group. When I got to the top, I had my friend Allie hang me over the ledge as I helped pull people up. This took teamwork and critical thinking from everyone. Especially when we had more people at the top than we did at the bottom. I thought I hit muscle fatigue when I was hanging on to two of my coworkers, and I was yelling for the guys at the bottom to use my legs as a leverage to get to the top. But even after shaking and yelling, everyone made it and we defeated that damn slope.

  Another obstacle that I really liked was a water challenge. There were two rotating blocks in the water that everyone had to get over. The water was almost up to my neck! But as a team, partnered up with other Mudders, we were able to figure out the blocks, and get over! We just had to keep the momentum going. Sadly, one of my teammates lost his GoPro in the mix, and we bid farewell to our Tough Mudder photos.
The before photo where you can still see our tie dye shirts!

  This was the most physically demanding event I've done all year. (And here I was nervous for my APFT!) I had all of the doubts in my mind that I was not going to be able to complete the 18 kilometer course, especially since most of the course was steep inclines and declines. The mud mile was probably the scariest thing I've ever experienced; if you've ever wanted to know what it feels like to sink in quick sand, do the Tough Mudder. It made me question my participation REALLY quick. But I dug deep (literally and figuratively) for the motivation to complete the course. We started as a team, and we finished as a team. As shocking as the last event was, we earned our headbands and the rightful title as Tough Mudder Fxckers.

My bad ass group made it!

Thanks MSP for the great bonding experience, and cheers to our next challenge!

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